©2018 Hailey Heartless. Vancouver, British Columbia.

Safer sex and the pro Domme

April 24, 2017

I recently had it suggested to me that I make a blog post regarding my personal safer sex protocols. I haven't really known how to tackle this, because as a kinkster and sex enthusiast I'm totally comfortable talking about safer sex. In fact, I've never had a personal play partner decide not to have sex with me after I discussed my safer sex protocols with her. However, as a sex worker I worry about scaring off clients.

 

Before we go any further, I want to remind you that I'm a dominatrix, not a doctor. I might dress up as a nurse and use medical tools, but I don't have any medical credentials. I'm not a doctor, I just play one in the bedroom.

 

Many clients aren't as savvy about sex as the sex positive community, although I have faith that the BDSM services market is a bit more savvy than many clients. I think, though, if you're going to a Pro Domme expecting straight-up sex, nine times out of ten you're going to leave disappointed. We provide many services that are very sexual and intimate, but it's best to ask and make sure before booking and expecting something we might not offer. I mean, there might be release involved in our date, but the way we get there is going to be a lot more fun and intricate than a vanilla blowjob. Regardless of how we play, wouldn't you prefer an honest play partner over one who only speaks to you in a way that makes the most sales?

 

I love sex. It's in the way I talk, what I talk about and the way I interact with people. I'm dripping with sex. Most of the sex I have is oral sex with cis women, some of the safest sex you can have, although barriers with personal partners are on a case by case basis. I also have an amazing doctor who I'm very open and honest about and I get tested every three to four months. My last test was mid January and included an oral swab (this is important if you're giving oral), and my next test is this month.

 

I also love kink. I love the nerdiness of kink and attending workshops and educational conferences. I like the community. I love the way I feel when I dress up in my PVC dress. I love being in the dungeon. I love negotiating with partners and fulfilling their fantasies, and of course when someone wants to invest in my kink lifestyle in exchange for a session, that's awesome too.

 

When I'm with a kink partner, barriers are absolutely mandatory, and when you get kinky, those barriers are a bit different from vanilla sex. For example, I use nitrile gloves for manual prostate massage. If I'm using a toy for prostate massage (like the njoy Fun Wand, pictured), or doing any kind of insertion, I'll cover that in a condom as well. After I'm finished playing, I'll use tuberculocide wipes on my play surfaces and toys, and I'll submerge my sissy makeup brushes in barbicide and boil the toys that can be boiled. If I'm doing needle play, my safest sex protocols are at their highest, I'll create as near to a sterile field as possible, using gloves, a plastic sheet, and alcohol or iodine, and I'll bring my sharps container for disposal of used needles. Even with all these protocols in place, there's certain toys that I know are fluid bonded once they break a partner's skin, and I've given away a fair share of leather toys while upgrading my collection to more professional materials like lexan and silicone.

 

So I think it's time to attack the meat of the matter. The reason I was asked about this is because I have a friend on twitter who is very open about having herpes. She posed a question, asking if it's okay to be a sex worker, or visit a sex worker, even though she has herpes. I think it's something like 80% of the population that has herpes, and most people don't even know it, so I usually just automatically assume that my partners have it unless they say otherwise. That being said, if you have an STD, I need you to be honest with me. I'm lucky because I work in a field where we can still do a lot of stuff even if you do have an STD, but I need to know in order to protect myself and my clients. So, you might not get this one service you really had your heart set on, but I'm really experienced, and I know a lot of tricks, so maybe we can tackle it from an other angle, and you can learn how to get what you need in a different way.

 

If you have a chronic STD, don't lie to sex workers about it. I've been doing this a long time, and I know how to play safely, but I need you to be honest so that I can properly protect myself, protect my play partners, protect my clients and protect the sex positive community.

 

If you want more information on how to talk to sex nerds or sex workers about safer sex protocols, you should check out Reid Mihalko's Safer Sex Elevator Speech. I use it all the time with partners, and it seriously will save you a lot of fear and anxiety. Remember, the best time to talk about safer sex is before sex, not afterwards.

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