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Embracing the sissy

I have a long and complicated history with feminization and sissy fetish. Being a trans girl, I guess it's understandable. One of my earliest memories of crossdressing was seeing a tall crossdresser (I assumed) in high heels, a cheap platinum wig and a white dress shopping in a supermarket. Her legs weren't shaved, and as she passed, one staff member pointed and another laughed. I was annoyed, not really at her, but at the staff for not leaving her alone. I assumed she was doing it for sexual purposes, but I also thought, just let her be happy. When I first started presenting as a woman, I was terrified that people would think I'm a crossdresser too, and react the same way. I was afraid that even if people were nice to me, they'd think I was doing it for sexual reasons, not just because I was trying to assuage dysphoria.

When I left my monogamous life and started being more actively involved in the sex positive community, I disliked forced feminization fetish and crossdressing. I was a young queer with a radical feminist background, and I felt that fetishization of femininity by men was rooted in misogyny and was harmful to trans women who face the stigma of being labeled a pervert.

I think things changed for me when I started meeting crossdressers and sissies who seemed genuinely curious about my transition, or disclosed their hopes for transition. At first, I assumed it was just a way for them to live out their sexual fantasies, but I started meeting sissies who were actually well on their way through medical transition. I also started meeting women at group therapy who dealt with internalized transphobia and shame through crossdressing and sissy fetish, before they could come out. I was extremely lucky to have a supportive network and a good understanding of gender dysphoria when I came out, not everyone does. When you have testosterone running through your body, feelings of happiness and excitement can become sexually charged. When I bought my first bra, I actually remember feeling precum in my pants and being a bit angry and confused, because I wasn't sexually excited, I was just excited. I can definitely understand how an early trans girl can mistake happiness for sex if they don't have a good understanding of gender identity.

In my personal play, when I practice with friends, I like to play with trans girls. Trans girls seem to have the ideal bodies for a sadist to practice on because they have all the most fun parts to torment. I have a few friends who are into verbal humiliation, and who've helped me with my humiliatrix game. After I started doing pro Domme work, I found that using the humiliation language I was using with sissies on trans masochists was often an incredible turn on for them. I called one friend a faggot sissy trap, and her response was "Hailey! Did you just call me a sissy? That's so fucking hot." After the session, she texted me to thank me and tell me that she really enjoyed the verbal humiliation aspect of the scene. I think it's perfectly valid for a masochist to be turned on by things that have been used to hurt them in the past.

One of the first groups of clients to seek me out when I started advertising was forced feminization fetishists. I'm not sure if it's because I was safe as a trans girl, because they were closeted trans girls, because they were fetishizing my transition, or if it's just because of where I was advertising. After a couple of sessions, I was curious about whether I should be providing emergency gender counselling in my aftercare, or telling clients about my own transition. I ultimately, mostly decided against it, unless a client would ask, because people can react in a negative way when confronted with their shame. It doesn't matter if it's shame of visiting a sex worker, the shame of dealing with gender dysphoria, or the shame of being emasculated by a dominatrix. Probing into people's psyches is not advisable for most sex workers, particularly for transsexuals who play with power dynamics and shame.

It's funny how a session can change you. After about two sessions, I felt like my anger and fear of forced feminization fetish had melted. I don't know why every person is into forced feminization. It could be a way to deal with complex issues around gender, it could be a humiliation fetish rooted in misogyny, it could just be that it's fun to feel pretty. It's probably problematic on a societal level, but most things in the kink community are. I'm a white colonizer and I hang around people who refer to each other as master and slave without batting an eye. I'm not saying that kink isn't open to criticism, I'm just saying that if you wish to be both 'woke' and a kinkster, the best way to critique it is to just be aware of the roots of privilege and oppression that we play with in the BDSM community.

When I give talks on subjects related to sex, I like to acknowledge the traditional territories where I'm speaking, and remind people that the power structures we play with in the BDSM community are the same power structures that colonizers have used to oppress the people who have lived here before us. I think building subtle awareness and subtle critiques are enough to get people to seriously consider their own behavior, and what it means. Having that come from each individual, rather than a lector at the front of an auditorium, is so powerful. I also feel that once people understand the roots of their kinks, and why they're taboo, it gives them a better understanding of what makes it fun and allows them to begin unpacking their own shame, which ultimately leads to reclaiming their own sexuality.

I think your kinks can be problematic, and I might not be into some of them, but if one of them is having me dress you up like a girl and call you a faggot, I'm not going to yuck your yum. Lots of people of all genders like it when I hurt them, physically and emotionally. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you a closeted trans girl, and if you are trans, it doesn't mean you're a bad trans girl. The only thing it universally means is that you're into something that a lot of other people are into as well, and I'd be happy to help you out.

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